Archive | Propaganda RSS for this section

Fun Tables: Normal and Super

Living in community is often about zoning.  We ask people not to talk about work on the steam table line in our dining hall.  We ask people not to be topless in places where local people are likely to come by.  We restrict 18 wheel trucks to the industrial park portion of the community.  We have a building that the visitors live in while they are checking out the community.  Smoking is significantly restricted in location.  There are only certain places in the community where you can smoke cigarettes.

And at meals we have “fun tables“.  There are two large tables, one inside and the other outside, which are designated as “fun tables”.  Oh, fun happens in all kinds of places, but they have this name because we have agreements about what happens at them.  Specifically:

  • You can always sit a fun table
  • If there is no room, we will make room
  • No meetings or private conversations
  • No talking about work
wavy fun table

Pass the salt, please.

Willow is often the fun police.  If you start talking about work, he will call you out, sometimes by honking at you.  Some people try to get away with talking about work at the fun table by talking about it in funny accents.  Willow is rarely fooled by this ploy.

Times change, cultures evolve.  We have added the Staedtl, which is a collection of couches and comfy chairs which face each other.  You don’t have to ask to sit in this area and the conversations are an uncontrolled mix of private, public and somewhere in between.  Work is fair game and the fun police are not welcome.

We also have “super fun” tables.  These have the same rules are a normal fun table, except you can talk about work if you like, no need for silly accents.

mad tea party surreal

a quiet moment at a super fun table

 

 

6 Creatures and 4 Communities

One of the most important capacities of intentional communities is changing culture.   This can be changing how people dress, how we report relationships at work, how we teach our children or how we observe holidays.

Valentines Day has always struck me as a broken holiday.  It celebrates just one style of relationship, sets people up for too big or too small gifts of their caring, and creates many people who feel left out.    Before I lived in community, even when I had a single romantic partner, I never liked this holiday much.

Many years ago, in response, our sister community East Wind developed Validation Day as an alternative.  Every member is celebrated in the form of affirmations, no romantic partner required.  Part of the celebration is the creation of cards.  There is a great dance, often a kissing booth and the 6 creatures game.

Paxus signign validation day cards

Validation Day prep 2001?

The 6 creatures game is designed to take the rejection out of asking someone to hang out or even to make out.  The idea is that leading up to the party (which happens around February 14th, famous worldwide for being my son Willow‘s birthday), people who want to play are given a ballot with the names of the others who want to play.  There are options (represented by different creatures) for a work date, a play date, a cuddle date, to kiss at the party, hot sex and/or a relationship.

For anyone who is playing, you select what you may want to do with them.  I might just want to kiss someone at the party.  If they selected only a work date and a play date for me, we would miss each other completely, getting no matches with each other when the games were returned. But if I had selected a play date and kissing at the party, then we would match on the play date and both be informed of that only.

petals on table romance

Regular readers will not be surprised to discover I play this game somewhat recklessly.  I was willing to have at least a work date or play date with perhaps 80% of the people on this years 6 creatures game ballot.  And in my experience, many of the created matches don’t actually get acted on and every year there are some surprises. Yet some of the matches turn out to be important, even life changing.

About 40 people decided to play the 6 creatures game this year, spanning four different communities in the area: Twin Oaks, Acorn, Sapling and Cambia.  This is new; until recently only Twin Oaks members played.  But as the movement expands locally, more communards want to play this long lever game.

hearts and candles

Validation Day is a more internal holiday.  Some events, like New Years Eve and Anniversary are big holidays where we invite lots of people to come.  Validation Day is still a larger event, but it is more intimate people who know us better.  You certainly should not come by without being invited.

 

 

What Architects and Anarchist have in common

In two nights, in two very different settings I got the same message and it is a message that needs to get through.

My father was an architect.  He got a lifetime achievement award from the Boston Society of Architects (BSA) and felt like this award should really be bookended by an outstanding young architects award, so he created one.  My father passed in 2009 and my mother continues to give out this award at the BSA gala each year.

I went this year for the first time to the BSA gala.  It was black tie and probably the fanciest dinner I have ever been to.  It was held at the Intercontinental Hotel in Boston.

Intercontinental_1

shiny – The Intercontinental in Boston

Before the event my mother noticed I was not wearing any socks and asked me to put some on.  I went to my pathetic bag and could only find one sock, so I put it on (one qualifying as “some”); fortunately, no one seemed to notice.  My mother sat next to the award winner who was friendly and charming.  On her other side was the Boston Globe architecture critic, a long time family friend.

27_Field-School-5

The Field School – one of the award winners

At this awards dinner a life time achievement award was given to Theodore Landsmark.  I had met Landsmark before when he gave my mother an honorary doctorate from the Boston College of Architecture.  Landsmark certainly deserves a lifetime achievement.  He was the president of the very cool open admission Boston College of Architecture for 17 years.  He has been on the board of multiple arts-related institutions including the Institute of Contemporary Art and the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.  He has a bunch of advanced degrees from a number of fancy schools.  But in my mind the thing he is most famous for is being the right person in the wrong place as depicted in the Pultizer Prize winning photo below.

Soiling Old Glory.jpg

The Soiling of Old Glory

 

Landsmark is a great public speaker, but his message was not a comfortable one for the architects in the room.  He observed that he and one other architect were the only black faces in the room and had been for the last 30 years.  He told the black tie crowd that they had to do better promoting people of color and women to positions of responsibility in the field of architecture.  He noted that since he had joined the Boston Redevelopment Authority, they had approved scores of projects worth over $2 billion and only twice had the presentations been done by a women or by a person of color.  He pointed out that companies with diverse senior management are more profitable.  Further, that the emerging architecture markets in the global south are expecting to see greater diversity from partner firms in the north.  He observed that the city of Boston was “Majority Minority” and that most of the graduates of architecture schools are now women.  He attacked architecture and especially architecture management as being a bastion of old white men.

But I probably would not have written this blog post at all, if a similar conversation were not happening in a completely different context the next day.

I’ve written several times about the Baltimore Free Farm.  It is one of the most inspiring urban projects in the US, and is affiliated with the Point A project.  BFF does a “Fancy Dinner” fundraiser once a year.

12291094_1034279769963804_2425557054107390858_o.jpg

Anarchists can have nice things too

BFF has done a bunch of work on diversity and inclusion issues and provided important support — in the form of free food — for the protests in Baltimore last April.  Despite this work, there was a powerful critique of this year’s Fancy Dinner on the event’s Facebook page.  It included the following text:

People think about racism as an individual act of prejudice or discrimination from one person to another. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about systems, structures and institutions.

One of the principal organizers for the BFF collective read this critique during the Fancy Dinner.  BFF was being called out to support more local black businesses.  The audience of the Fancy Dinner was mostly white, and I believe quite sensitive to this critique.

There has been a huge jump in whites’ understanding of racism as a problem in the US. And at both ends of the socioeconomic spectrum, at fancy dinners of dominantly white participants had this brought up in uncomfortable and powerful ways.

 

Point A DC Naming Party – you can help

I am spending the current Snowpocolypse in a place called Swan Point.  It is a lovely Point A DC retreat which is hoping to do a bunch of things, including start the income sharing group in Washington.  I am pleased to be hanging with such a clever, talented and motivated group.  If anyone can pull off this perhaps impossible task, it is the likes of these folks.

IMG_20160122_181228326.jpg

Urban communards all snowed in and happy

And names are important and we don’t yet have one for the DC Point A community.  Below is the list of names which have been suggested so far.  You can put in your votes (6 yes votes and 3 no votes) for the names you like and those you can’t stand.  You can reply either on Facebook (where this is posted on 1) my personal page, 2) The FEC Facebook page or the Point A Facebook page) or if you are not on FB at all, or dont want them to know what you think, you can leave a comment on this blog.   You are also welcome to make suggestions for new names for the commune.   The names currently on the list are:

Avalon

Asylum for Idiots (What the first promising Point A DC site was originally called)

Georgia Flats (we are most likely to be near Georgia Avenue)

Salt Flats (we are likely on Morton St)

Trapazoid

The Tower of Power

Anarres (the anarchist moon from the classic Sci-fi novel The Dispossessed)

Kat’s Cradle (for Kat Kinkade, founder to TO, Acorn and East Wind)

Point B

Babel II

The Hanging Gardens of Morton St

Cappel’s Follie

Arc

The House of Common

Xanadu

Orbital Lifeboat Factory

Point Awesome

Bliss Wallah

Paradox

K Street Extension

Terra Prime

Dream Village

Alchemy Lab

All You Can Eat Shrimp Just $4.99 (was almost sort of Batman‘s new name)

Stone Soup

Echo Estates

Fawkes Gloves

Hologram House

Point Z

Morton Street Kommune

The Fortune Cookie Factory

Commune Pooper

DC Bolsheviks

The Matriarchy

Pigeon

Blind Faith

Bootstrap

Unicorn Factory

Firestorm

Laser Snake

Hyperbola

Landslide

Ricochet

11235 Eureka!

Redpill

The Anarchist Frathouse

The Arbor

Paradise Found

Helix

Fast Forward

Best Chance

Double Back

Rascal

Open Secret

Groupworks

Tech Startup

High Risk

High Wire

Threshold

Hopscotch

Mosaic

Manticore

Bent Thunder

Raspberry

Fair Share

Long View

Charismatic Wolf Leaders

Microcosm (making members Microcosmonauts)

Castle in the Sky

Wolftrap

The Hanging Gardens

Manifest

The A Ward

The Ward (we would be Wardens)

The Twin Towers

Cuddle Cult

Vespucci

Atlantis

Valparaiso

Lucca

Hatrack

The Supernatural

The House of Unicorns

The Communist Castle

500 Grumpy Anarchists

Styrofoam

ACDC (an acronym for A Commune in DC)

Some of these names are crazy unlikely.  Even tho i have an old lover named Styrofoam, the Point A folks are unlikely to choose this clever name.  Nor (thankfully) does Communist Castle have much of a chance.

Help us Choose, by commenting on this blog or write on the Facebook Pages this article is posted on.  Feel free to add your own names, we will likely choose quite soon though, so hurry.

 

 

 

Polyamory Deja Vu: The Forgotten Partner

Recently I found myself at a cuddle party. A consent cuddle party. One of those delicious events where “Consent is Sexy” Signs are plastered all over the wall. I found myself amused, yet unfazed by the display in front of me. A woman getting the same words on the signs “Consent is Sexy” (in Comic Sans) stick-a-po tattooed to her left butt cheek.

She looked giggled and we locked eyes. Now I was fascinated. She had the most fantastic eyes I had ever seen.

“What is your name?” I asked this beautiful angel of consent culture.

“Styrofoam” she replied.

I invited her to cuddle with me in the corner. She finished getting her buttocks tatted and joined me in the corner. One we were settled I proceeded to tell her my life story.. all the amazing travels I had, My alternative lifestyle, my numerous community projects and even repeated stories over and over.. because thats definitely not something that I do. This woman was opening up a whole new side of me..

Until…

She said.. “Hey didn’t we date like 5 years ago?”

I raked my mind for memories of ever dating someone named Styrofoam.. I could not remember that ever happening. I informed her of this.

styrofoam dancing

Styrofoam from before her name change and tattoo – Circa 2009

 

She told me that her old name was Matriarchy and a rush of memories from organizing a community that ended up turning into a different project all together came to the fore front of my mind.

We decided to try a new relationship. This time where she had a new name and new hair and a new very sexy tattoo.

I love Styrofoam.

Bystander Intervention Workshop

pinata bystanders

 

It is my personal desire to tangle work and play so completely that the things which I do for fun or inspiration are the things which are my vocation.  So when my lover Abigail came to visit before New Years, I asked her if she was willing to do a workshop on Bystander Intervention at Twin Oaks and at the newly formed income sharing community in Richmond, Quercus.  Abigail agreed to the workshops, not knowing what she was getting herself into.

Abigail does interactive theater.  This means, among other things, that she creates workshops with role plays of problematic scenarios where participants are given the opportunity to practice intervening in the scenes and experience how they work.  By practicing interventions, and receiving real time feedback about what works and what doesn’t, participants get the lived experience of stepping in as a bystander, and are more likely to actually intervene the next time they are faced with a situation where someone is potentially being harmed.

MLK silence is betrayal

The time is now

Bystander intervention is the idea that it is not enough to chat about how to create healthy and safe culture.  When you see someone oppressing or threatening someone else, you have to do something about it.

The problem is, unlike physics or history classes, bystander intervention almost never has one right answer.  Those willing to stand up to bad behavior have to evaluate the losses and gains associated with various strategies.  It is never all gains.

I learned the three general strategies for addressing situations where a bystander should intervene.    These are called the “3 Ds” and were originally outlined by Dorothy Edwards, Executive Director of Green Dot:

  1. Direct Intervention
  2. Distraction
  3. Delegation

 

Direct Intervention is where you take on the oppression straight on.  There are lots of different ways to do this.  In one role play, a guy at a party was trying to have sex with a gal who was intoxicated.  He knew she did not like him sober, but was hoping “she would be frisky when she was drunk.”  Ash from Quercus intervened by asking him if it would not be better for him to look for someone who really wanted to have sex with him.  A question so obvious it was completely disarming.

Some of the most powerful interventions of the workshops were shocking.  In a role play where people were betting on the gender of a new barista, Jillian intervened by asking the perpetrator, “Do you have a penis in those pants?  You want to show us?”  The shocked perp wanted to know why she was asking.  She calmly replied, “You were so interested in what was happening in the barista’s pants, that I was curious about yours.”

slut shame

 

Hawina, in the workshop done at Twin Oaks, did the slut shamers one better.  After they had spoken briefly about how terrible one woman was who had been involved in multiple romantic interactions, Hawina stepped into the role play and said, “Yeah, well, it says in the Bible that whores should be stoned to death!”  When the shocked slut shamers said this might go too far, Hawina replied that they seemed to be completely on board with the belief that women who were ‘too sexual’ ought to be shamed and punished. It was another brilliant and disarming example of a comment that made the perpetrators re-evaluate their own behavior.

Perhaps appropriately, during the workshop in Richmond, I actually had to do an intervention.  There was a transient person who was hanging out at Quercus who was extremely drunk.  His name was Glib.  It was clear from even before the workshop that Glib was in no state to be a workshop participant and would be interrupting the event if we did not discuss his involvement.  He was quiet for the first few moments of the workshop and then started his non-stop talking.  I asked him to step outside with me and chat.  It was not an easy conversation.  He was occasionally defensive, he resented being singled out and being talked to.  At moments our talk got heated, but we did agree in the end that if he could respect that people were there to attend the workshop and not listen to him, then he could participate.  Mostly he stayed out of the event, but for the last 20 minutes or so, he attended and was respectful of what was happening.

Distraction has many forms.  Often it is fast and simple.  The intoxicated gal who the creepy guy was trying to seduce was rescued by one bystander who came in and said “It is time to go,” grabbed her hand and pulled her away.  This is classic distraction.  The perp is left without the person they are coming on to.  It interrupts the problematic behavior, but not by directly confronting it.

The advantage of this format often is that there is fairly little risk, unless the target of the abuse does not cooperate (or desire the intervention).  The intervener said that she has done this before with people she does not know.  The danger here is if there is some interest on the part of the target in the perpetrator, you can end up in a tug of war with the perp.

Unlike direct intervention, distraction often leaves the perp without any strong message that their behavior was problematic.  There is no “educational moment.”. And here the trade off can be, “Do I get my friend out of this jam?” versus “Do I try to take care of my community which has this problematic person in it currently?”  Again, there are more trade offs.  Getting your friend away may be all you feel like you have energy for.  If you are in a bar or other public setting, it can be quite difficult to confront the perp in any meaningful way that takes care of others.  And the risk of direct confrontation goes way up when you are sticking around to discuss or negotiate with the prospective assailant.

no intervention cartoon

Don’t just walk away

Delegation is the final tool and perhaps the hardest one to use in these anarchist identified communities.  

During the role play of the drunk person at a party, someone jumped into the action and said, “I am her brother” (referring to the intoxicated woman).  This was a lie, but it still might be an effective technique.  Other possible persons for delegation are hosts of the party, or friends of the guest who is a possible threat.  Just because you could confront someone, does not mean you should, and there are often more effective people to confront them.

One problem with delegation is that it disempowers the prospective victim.  In the role play, when this technique was used, the target person did not feel comfortable having to depend on some external man to take care of her.  Contacting the police may raise similar issues.  Many communities are reluctant to call the police on their own membership, especially for minor violations.  (That said, none of the communities I work with take the rights of survivors away, so the survivors can always choose to bring in law enforcement if they think this is best.)  Adding to the complications of this work, you may not easily find a solution which works for all parties.

pinata bystanders

Looking for heroes

Both workshops went well, despite one needing an intervention.  The role plays were entertaining, informative and got at key issues both times they were offered.  What we found over the 90 minutes of discussion and theater was that people got more animated and daring as the problems became more deeply examined.  And daring is definitely what is needed.

Communities Directory Crowdfunding

i have to say i am very proud of my co-dad.  Sky has been selected as the new executive director of the Fellowship for Intentional Communities.   And near the top of the list of things that EDs do, is hustle money.

487017_10152201341175008_1085462207_n

Willow and Sky Blue – Circa 2012

So far he has been pretty successful.  The first crowd funding effort since he became ED has raised more than $7K for the FIC’s Intentional Communities directory.

The FIC is trying to build on this success in the last few days of the online fund drive.  An anonymous donor has agreed to match any donations up to the $7500 mark that come in.

As with many good crowd source campaigns, the FIC is making it easy to donate by giving you a premium that you really want anyway for your donation.  You can get the brand new FIC intentional communities directory for donating $25.  Just do it.

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,107 other followers