i’ve been involved with open relationships for a long time. And there a bunch of things which we have discovered, some are well chronicled and discussed (safe sex agreements jump to mind) and other aspects much less so. This post is about one of the less considered aspects of polyamory.
An intimate of mine is in a new honeymoon. At the same time they have a crush on another person which feels uncomfortable to reveal their feelings about. My intimate (who shall remain nameless for the moment) was thinking that if they could just tell the person that they were silently attracted to that they were feeling drawn to them, then this would reduce the pressure.
“Do you think they are also attracted to you?” i asked
“i think so”
“Then telling them will make it worse.” i replied
Not that i am usually an advocate of withholding expressions of attraction, but the idea that the pent up frustration around an attraction will dissipate once it has been expressed is demonstrably false, especially when the attraction is mutual. What goes from being an uncomfortable, unexpressed emotion turns into a likely even more frustrating open possibility. And in this particular case, it might just lead to one of the more impossible polyamory geometries: parallel honeymoons.
Open relationships depend on people being able to have honest communication and multiple parallel romantic experiences. But honeymoons are different. There is what the some poly writers call New Relationship Energy (NRE), common to not just poly relationships – that special feeling of excitement, possibility and lust you have at the start of a new romance. It is time before you realize their feet stink.
Turns out you cant do honeymoons in parallel. At least i have never seen anyone do it really successfully. There are things you can do to make it seem easier: put the relationships on opposite sides of a large land mass, choose partners of dramatically different cultures or genders. But as sophisticated as some of us poly people occasionally like to think we are, this is a trick that i just dont think can be pulled off.
What do you think?