Polyamory Geometry – Metamours
At least in theory, monogamy is simple. You have one partner, you are sexually, and perhaps intimately, exclusive with them. You come up with agreements as to what that means, you defer to this relationship if any other interests should come along. And you are good to go.
Polyamory in contrast is complex. There are multiple partners with different desires, dreams and ideas. There need to be agreements about how new partners get added. You will need to have safe sex discussions. There are often crowded schedules to be coordinated. There is also embracing the inherent inequities in poly. There are hierarchies or configurations or interrelations which need to be negotiated.
Some of the most poorly charted territories (because they are all quite different from each other) are relationships between metamours (partners of partners). These are often people who have not chosen directly to be involved, perhaps a strange old friend of your new friend. But these people can potentially have a significant impact on your life. If a metamour goes into crisis, you can expect your lover to support them, potentially trashing the carefully laid plans you have. If a metamour moves to Italy, your lover might want to visit them there, taking them far from you. If a metamour wins the Nobel prize, your personal life could become much more public than you were thinking it was going to be.
There are of course positive metamour effects as well. If your partner has selected well (and they did choose you after all) it is possible a metamour can support you when your partner is being hard to understand or acting like a jerk. If you are lucky, a clever metamour can call your partner out when they are being ill behaved towards you. And if you are really lucky, metamours can become important intimates in your life. I first met Shal as my lover’s lover and he has become one of my closest friends, long after the romance that brought us together has faded away.
This post was inspired by the above comic, which nicely defines two terms. Especially for people who are new to polyamory or have partners at significant distance there is often the practice of “parallel poly”, where metamours have very little interaction with each other and may not even have met.
But what most experienced poly people are looking for is what Tikva calls “kitchen table poly.” The idea that even if you don’t have a direct romantic relationship with your partner’s partner, they are still important to them and thus like family to you.
And these generalizations are exactly that. You could easily have an experienced pair of metamours who don’t spend time together and operate “in parallel”. Or you could have a couple or more folks who share lovers who are quick to find each other and become friends or even romantic partners. One long time lover of mines partner practices HONCing – the Happiness Of Not Connecting. We have nothing to do with each other and when we are in the same town we avoid each other.
Rita Mae Brown said “An army of lovers can not fail.” And while i don’t like military metaphors generally, i get the sentiment here. If you want to get past your jealousy, one powerful way to do it is to hang out with ruffled hair and a fuzzy bathrobe at the breakfast table with someone who deeply agrees with you about how wonderful your lover is.
For more poly comics go to Kimchicuddles.com
Other posts on polyamory and honest seduction:
- Central versus Primary – two different forms of your most important relations
- The problem of Polynormativity– What happens when the mainstream embraces poly culture?
- Can Polyamory Destroy Rape Culture? [Re-post] by Tikva
- Ok Cupid Blues and Greens – OKCs struggle with connecting poly people
- Old Guard and Young Turks – on taking care of monogamous people who flirt with you
- The Myth of Equality– Why do people keep pretending poly relationships are somehow equal?
- Is Swinger interchangeable with Polyamorous? – Clarifying definitions and super complex Venn diagrams
- Minority Relations Models – just because you are poly, does not mean you are not an asshole
- Transcending Jealousy and the Shakespeare Challenge – New words for new ideas
- Non-Euclidean Honeymoons – Is it possible to have two honeymoons in parallel?
- Rabble Rousing – Pitching Polyamory to Conservative Christians
- December is Postcards – Love letter writing is the soul of honest seduction
- Clever Hacks – Playboy and Beyond– Using hacktivism is tweak sexist culture
- Honest Seduction website – Disclosures, Love letters and radical intimacy